The Baby and the Bathwater

A friend of mine once told me that I never change. My grandfather, God rest his soul, theorized that people don't change - they just become more who they are. I'm not sure what's going on astrologically (despite being a Tarot reader and a rather adept psychic, I prefer to be completely surprised - I only look for hints when I feel it is necessary), but since about last August, I've been caught up in some sort of strange turnabout where I keep looking at my life backward instead of forward.

I'm a soldier through it kind of girl. Forward, always forward. I regret little because I realize at every point of the path, I was who I was and made my choices based on where I was and what I valued at the time. I don't often wistfully look back with starry-eyed "what if." I simply take what I learned from success or failure and apply it to future situations.

This new perspective of looking backward to see what I may have left behind is therefore both bizarre and disturbing to me. I'm not sure if this is happening because I am two years overdue for my two-and-a-half-year escape and reinvention cycle that has occupied the last decade of my life or what exactly is going on, but whatever it is feels large and important and is progressing at an annoying crawl. I do know I've had the itch to leave Minnesota for the last two years, and that this time for reasons unknown I've been compelled to stay.

And now this strange, sucking vortex of the past has hold of me. In my forward march, I keep telling myself that what is left behind is not important. Obviously, if it isn't part of my life anymore, it isn't meant to fit in my life, and the Universe has dropped it that I might make room for something else. Usually, if I'm having a fit of nostalgia, one half hour at the piano where I remind myself just how unskilled I really was is enough to cure me of backward thinking. This time, it won't let go.

I keep running into situations where I need to question what I value. Where I not only need to remember the bad structures I'd built in my life that required demolition every time I left "home," but the good structures I'd also had in place that went down with the rest of the building. It seems some things I'm meant to relive and revive - the good and the bad. To what purpose, I do not yet know.

I do know my inner soldier is tapping her foot, checking her watch, and wondering when the next flight leaves.

Work

Last night we had the Women's Gathering in Hastings (3rd Friday of every month) and the theme was Remembering and Synchronicity. I made Macaroni and Cheese for the occasion (we try to coordinate the food) and didn't burn it! I also led a Synchronicity activity involving Tarot.

Using the Tarot of the Crone, I spread out all the cards in a line and told the gathered to choose one that would provide insight into something you once had or were that would help your current life if you could incorporate it back in.

I didn't just officiate, I chose a card, too. Mine shocked me. Then pissed me off.

The others got messages about power and connection and reclaiming. What did I get? The Five of Disks - WORK.

I swear, if you could have but heard the SCREAMING in my brain at that one. But for those who couldn't, it went something like this: "Work?! WORK?!! I swear to the SWEET JESUS if I work any harder it is going to KILL me! Remember that night off I had this week - oh wait, I don't because I didn't HAVE one. And you, Universe, DARE to imply I am not working HARD enough?! SCREW YOU!!"

Today, I'm going to get a massage. I might see a movie in the theatre for the first time in months. I might even go shopping just for the hell of it.

And... after making all these plans... it occurs to me the Universe is not above a little reverse psychology.....

Personality

Last weekend was the Women and Spirituality Conference in Mankato again. I've been every year (except the year I was in Guatemala) since Nancy taught the High Priestess. This year, she taught the Wheel. (For those of you who know me well, work out the irony of me missing the Lovers.)

I love the conference, I love the people, I love the atmosphere, I love spending time with family and friends. It's always one of the best weekends of my year. Plus, I get to read more and learn more Tarot! And get exposed to things I've never heard of, such as dowsing.

For the last few years, I've brought my cards and done readings and the Blessing and Breathing Center table. I don't do many readings in a year - this is Minnesota, spit in any direction and you'll hit a reader of some kind, especially at the Women and Spirituality Conference - but I always know the ones I do are because I was exactly where I was supposed to be for exactly the person I was supposed to be there for.

My cards do not act like cards that only get about twenty uses a year, however. Go into a room full of all Tarot people, and saying your decks have personality gets you a sagacious nod. Say something like that at your office, and they call the men in white coats. Still, they have distinct personalities, especially my three or four reading decks.

At the conference last weekend, I'd set up my little table with the New Star deck, the Tarot of Transformation deck, and the Legacy of the Divine deck. I read with those three almost exclusively now. The New Star was sitting furthest to a left. A friend of mine and Nance's came over and set her coffee down on the little reading table.

Now, I can "hear" them, sort of like a little echo in my head. I knew the New Star, my harsh grandmother deck, was annoyed. It is a relatively rare occasion for someone to admit to me that they can hear them, too. About thirty seconds after the coffee went down, up the cup went again. Apparently, my New Star deck gave one heck of an energy flash about it.

I thought it was hilarious. It was also nice to know it wasn't just me who "heard" them.

Balance - The Scales

Tarot likes to come find me even and especially if I don't go find it. Ironically, this would usually be my "busy season" where Tarot is concerned. Yet adding health issues to the scale has completely thrown off that delicate balance and as a result, many things came tumbling off.

I have a lazy way of playing Hidden Object games as a kind of calming method. Hidden Object game makers are very fond of putting Tarot cards and signs of the Zodiac (I've caught a lot of Rider Waite, but surprisingly also a lot of Ciro Marchetti - I hope they're using his stuff with permission!) especially in the very popular "thriller" or "scary" Hidden Object games (insane asylums, urban legends, abandoned haunted towns with a tragic history are very, very big). The last game I played, the Libra sign was everywhere (just goes to show even in tech land, you can't escape synchronicity).

My rising sign is Libra. You'd think that would mean I had an easier time with balance. Ha, not so much. I actually end up gravitating toward the darker side of the sign. Rigid resistance to change. The whole world getting thrown out of whack if one thing goes to pot. Supposedly, I'm air, air, air. Gemini, Libra Rising, Aquarian Moon. You'd think with all that air, I'd just naturally flow with things, like the element. You'd think.

Instead, my health went whacky, I missed 2 of my book deadlines, I've really pulled back socially, I blew my diet, and everything feels like it's gone completely out of control.

Enter Libra. Like the knock of a kindhearted Jehovah's Witness. "Mel, I know it may be against your religion right now, but have you given thought to getting your life back in order?"

Sounds simple. Pleasant even. It's really trench warfare fought against yourself. Sometimes it feels like you're gaining and losing the same trenches over and over again.

But, the signs are right. It is time for another forward offensive.

I say good luck and fair winds to the rest of you who are fighting the good fight to keep the balance. It's not as easy as it sounds!

I'm Not Dead Yet!

I think I might live! Just kidding. I've been told I'm being unusually quiet (2 months, wow!). I feel like I've lost at least a month. Seriously.

Starting at the end of May, I started having attacks of vertigo. The one in mid June took me out of commission for more than two weeks. Reasons are still being investigated, but we have found out I need bifocals (yes, at the age of 29). Hopefully, that will take care of the headaches, which have lingered, and all will be well in Mel land once more.

7-10 business days from now.

So, until then, with you in spirit if not in blog.

-Mel

The Tower

Those who know me well, especially those who know me well as a reader, know I have a very personal relationship with The Tower. I pull it, and encounter it, over, and over, and over again. One would think this is because I haven't quite learned or ingrained the lessons of this particular step of the journey and thus need to repeat it.

You might be surprised to know I have never viewed it this way. I think some teachers on the Fool's Journey have more than one thing to teach you, and that one should not be afraid to return for more schooling. The High Priestess is hardly the only temple you should be able to return to again and again to receive new insight.

Heck, I visit Kali a lot more than I visit my High Priestess. Judge that whatever way you will, but I have learned many important things from my return visits to The Tower:

1. Sometimes everything has to fall down at once and sometimes it doesn't. Remember when things feel like they're falling apart that not every structure in your life has become weakened, unhealthy, or has outlived its usefulness. Your life is a series of constructions, and usually, they wear out one at a time. Don't burn the village just because the roof caved in on the town hall.

2. Don't be afraid of the leveling earthquake or of Pompeii. Before the phoenix comes the ashes.

3. Sometimes you need to take it apart to see what's inside.

4. Courage and character are not tested or acquired in happy rose gardens. What defines you are the choices you make when the storm comes.

5. If you decide you're tired of building with the same materials, try some new ones. You might surprise yourself.

I hope The Tower proves to be as rich a mine of wisdom to you as it has to me. What revelations has The Tower given you?

May Angels Send You Home

It is a sad week for those of us who attend the Women and Spirituality Conference every year in Mankato. We have been missing, for two years now, a familiar face. This last week, our favorite angel painter, Paul Klages, died after a long struggle with cancer.

Paul was a gifted artist and a great human being and a friend of the Blessings and Breathing Center. His angel artwork was inspiring and uplifting.

He will be greatly missed, both from the Mankato conference and from our lives.